Meet Me Where I Am, Lord
Nov 19th, 2006 by michelle
Recently, my family has been hurt. The wound is raw, and I am unsure of what steps to take to heal it. I keep running through a circle of anger, disappointment, sadness, despair and then back to anger again. I want to draw close to God, but at service this morning, I found it hard to participate at all. I stared at the icon of Christ at the front praying silently that He would help me get over this hurtle and back to a place where I could find joy in prayer and in the liturgy.
We have begun a fast (Nativity) this past week, and now, due to my own emotional state. I feel so conflicted about fasting. I am an emotional eater- no surprise to anyone who knows me- and, obviously, that would not be beneficial during a fasting period (or any period, for that matter). My dear husband pointed out that sometimes we need to go through the motions in order to get to a place where we can be spiritual. I have always been quite the opposite. I like to understand everything, including the emotions, before I can participate. That was how I approached the Orthodox Church originally. I learned as much as a could before I was even ready to cross myself in public.
In order to prepare myself to be able to fast presently with the spiritual side tagging along behind, I looked online for some basic advice/information on fasting. I found a letter to a new convert which closed with some wonderful help:
What God wants from us is the struggle. He wants us to “prepare a way
for the Lord” in our hearts. And then what we sow, He waters. The increase of Grace that accompanies such plowing up of our heart’s fallow ground (using the spade of fasting) is a gift from God and comes when He chooses to send it. This gift should not be our focus, lest we even rise up in anger that God has not given what is “owed to us.” All we need do is be faithful in our struggle, endeavor to keep to the path as much as possible, and God will honor it all richly. He will meet us where we are. Do the best you can, confess weekly, and ask yourself often whether you are on the path. In this way your fasting struggles will bear much fruit.
After reading this letter, I felt much better about my present state. Especially the part about God meeting us where we are. I had always heard that phrase in the evangelical church, but it had never sunk in until just now. I am not very far on the path currently, but God will meet me there. I’d like to think that He will hold me up and is holding me up now.
I like that quote; especially the part about God choosing when to sent the gift.
lovely post. So sorry your family is going through pain.
I needed the encouragement as this fast has had its own peculiar struggles.
Isn’t it amazing that God meets us where we are?
Blessings of the Fast - the first couple of times are just a blur, aren’t they?
Sorry you are going thru a hard time.
Even though we are only partially fasting (since I’m pg, and dh works a very physical job), I can see how it brings one closer to God, even if at first it brings on resentment or painful feelings. I’ve noticed that going through the motions can be very healing - something beautiful about Orthodoxy. Shrinking ourselves to magnify God…