It is ironic that on Judgement Sunday (meatfare), as my husband and I were talking in bed, I spoke about one of my “worst” (or most frequent) sins: judgement (of myself and others). I have a serious problem with this. I have always been one of those people who will base my perceptions of a person on how they look/dress, how they speak, how their children behave, what kind of car they drive, where they live, and the list goes on and on. This is not something that I like about myself, and in recent years, I have gotten a lot better at this. You can ask my husband because his very first impression of me about seven years ago was that I was a snob. I would like to think that isn’t what people think of me now, but I have no way to gauge that. Although, I know that I try very hard not to be that way.
I recently read that it is the aim of the holy Fathers “to rouse us from the slumber of carelessness unto the work of virtue, and to move us to love and compassion for our brethren.”
It is my prayer that I can regularly show love and compassion to others; this shouldn’t be too hard, one might imagine. But I am one who becomes easily frustrated with others, especially those that I just don’t understand. I am at a loss to understand some of the people at our church. These are good, Christian people, who, for one reason or another, don’t seem to have any interest in speaking with me or even acknowledging my existence (and our church is not very large). I am a decently friendly person, but I do not always go out of my way to talk to people. Yes, I say hello and smile, but many times it is hard to go beyond that. This causes me to form judgements, and I think to myself, maybe I have done something wrong or maybe that person doesn’t like me. But it can also turn into, well, that person is just strange or I don’t really want to be her friend anyway. All of these thoughts are based on nothing, but they run through my mind constantly.
I do not want these secret sins to go unconfessed or unnoticed, but they seem so frequent that I don’t even know where to begin. All I can do is cry, “O God who only art compassionate, turn me back and save me!’
How shall it be in that hour and fearful day, when the Judge shall sit on His dread throne! The books shall be opened and men’s actions shall be examined, and the secrets of darkness shall be made public. Angels shall hasten to and fro, gathering all the nations. Come ye and hearken, kings and princes, slaves and free, sinners and righteous, rich and poor: for the Judge comes to pass sentence on the whole inhabited earth. And who shall bear to stand before His face in the presence of the angels, as they call us to account for our actions and our thoughts, whether by night or by day? How shall it be then in that hour!But before the end is here, make haste, make haste, my soul, and cry: ‘O God who only art compassionate, turn me back and save me!’
Um, yeah, I can so relate. Sigh. You fall down, you get up, you fall down, you get up…it’s a cycle that we prayerfully end up futher on than we started.
I find with myself that expressing my frustrations whether out loud or through writing, helps me to think more clearly afterwards. Thanks for your humility in sharing your current struggles and prayers. I also find I continually need to pray for help in this area.
Just found this blog five minutes ago while googling for something else (actually, trying to find the name of the “Theodora” who just spoke on AFR about The Triumph of Orthodoxy and the re-establishment of the veneration of the icons).
Was touched by your words and immediately decided I wanted to follow along.
Then I noticed on the right that you’re aquainted with Arielle Julliana, someone whom I know well through LiveJournal.
It is always a blessing to find a friend of a friend, and it’s especially so when it’s an unexpected surprise!