Worrying About Our Tomorrows
Nov 11th, 2008 by michelle
I am having a hard time finding things to write about recently, here and on my family blog. I think some of the things that have been on my mind right aren’t things that I can really discuss on my other blog and I don’t really even know who reads this blog (If you do read this blog, please leave a comment- I would love to know who is actually reading this); so that makes things difficult. I want to have a place to share my thoughts about things that are weighing on me right now, and this is going to have to be the place.
As you know, my mom had surgery almost two weeks ago. We still do not know the results of the biospy, which is a bit frustrating. She has a doctor’s appoinment on Thursday, and we should know the results on that date. I honestly just don’t know what to think. I want everything to be fine, of course, and everything seems to be pointing away from cancer, but I still worry.
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
From time to time, I find myself worrying about our future. We originally moved here so that my husband could get an MDiv from the local seminary. Then he changed his degree to a Masters in Theolgy. Then I got pregnant, which changed everything. At this point, he isn’t going to finish that degree. There isn’t much point to it if he is thinking about becoming an Orthodox deacon or priest. So we’ll probably eventually go to an Orthodox seminary; however, there aren’t a lot to choose from and the ones we would consider would bring us back to the East coast, which in all honesty, isn’t where I want to end up. I love my family more than anything on this earth, but I also love where I live right now. I have a small group of wonderful friends, a church that I love, a priest who I respect, and our family is able to live here comfortably, without pretense and without feeling like we need to “fit in”. We can be who we are and not feel judged.
Growing up in Westchester County, NY, turned me into a person that I did not like. It is right outside of NYC and is one of the wealthiest counties in the country. It is a place that shaped me into the judgemental person that I am today, but through prayer and confession, I am able to work on my “tendancies”. I am scared to return to a place of my greatest weaknesses.
Worry, being one of them, is plaguing me right now. I worry about where we will live if we go to seminary, what will happen if we don’t go, where we will go after seminary, how our lives will change if we stay where we are, who my children will become if I take them to a place that developed qualities in myself that I cannot stand, and who I will become if I go back. Compounding all of this is the expectation from my family that we ARE moving back- eventually. But if my husband does feel the call to go to seminary in the near future, that does not mean that we will stay there (near them). We aren’t able to decide exactly where we want to be- there needs to be a place for us to go.
Right now, there is nothing that we can do about any of this. We have debts that need to be paid off first before we can even start considering a move, whether that be across town or across the country. Also, we have only been Orthodox for a year, and my husband wouldn’t be able to go to seminary until we have been Orthodox for three years.
My worries are for things that are in the distant future, and, yet, I worry.
I so desire to be a peaceful person. This is not my nature. I am a high-stress, fast-paced, worrier. I pray that God will give me peace about all of this. I hope that once we know the results of my mom’s biospy, I will stop thinking about the future so much. Everything seems very uncertain right now, and I want to be able to control it ALL… even the things that cannot be controlled.
Lord, have mercy!
Hi, Michelle, I do read your blog.
I wish I knew what to tell you, but honestly lately I’m having trouble figuring out what to tell myself. All I’ve got is the old standby: John 16:33.
“Tribulations will come your way, but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world.”
hey michelle. I completely sympathize with you. it’s hard once you have kids to make decisions about your future and you life that are going to be good for you and for them.
my husband and I have been orthodox for 12 years now.
he was ordained to the diaconate about a year and a half ago. he did all his coursework through st.andrews (?? I think) late vocations program in the US. He transferred in the last stage to the canadian st.arseny program.
it was distance education, but the st.andrews program is taught by many of the same priests/teachers from St.Vlads (in new york… Dr.Paul Myendorff included).
anyway. I don’t know if this helps at all. but it might be somewhere to start to explore.
Michelle, this is something you should try to take to your priest. As my kids have gotten older I have discovered a tendency to worry as well - - especially in the middle of the night. I get great help and comfort from saying the Jesus prayer over and over.
I don’t have children yet, but I can relate to many of the things you mentioned worrying about. Lord have mercy on us.
Worry is what makes us human, how we react to it is what makes us Christian, Lord have Mercy.
My love and sincerest hugs. And, most of all, prayer.
I too can relate HUGE to the struggle with worry.
Not-worrying is a hard thing to learn, and it can feel like one of those “trust fall” exercises. When my husband graduated from seminary, we didn’t even know where we would be assigned. It was very difficult learning to trust God, that even when we didn’t have enough information to make plans for our family, He would still be in charge. Although things can get out of control (two parental deaths, a miscarriage, and a move across country), forcing myself to put my trust in God that everything would be okay (and doing my best to keep up my end of things) worked out for the best.
I am preaching to myself, too, as I work through the frustrations of the learning curve of motherhood. After my son started sleeping through the night, you’d think I would relax and thank God (well, yes), but instead I worry that I won’t find him awake in the morning: it’s too quiet. I still have to work hard at trusting God to keep my son … well, the son who belongs to God but who has been entrusted to me.
I have been praying for you and your mother.
I am Christinas (in Portland)mom. I found your blog through hers.
My 3 kids are grown and long gone, but I still worry about them, and my grandchildren. My kids used to call me Miss Worse case senario!
I agree with what Mimi says.
I found that sharing with a friend, or blogging, or whatever helps. When you talk about your worries, sometimes you find out how simplistic the solutions are.
I once read that when you worry,think about what “is”, instead of what if. That helps me.
Oh, Michelle. I always read your blog.
We’re in a similar spot (and have been before). We moved to South Carolina for my husband to finish a BA in Bible, only to not have the money to finish, convert to Orthodoxy, and end up moving back home where in-state tuition at a public university would be doable. Now, we wonder what to do when he graduates…
I’ve read the more recent post, so I know you aren’t worrying NOW; however, I’ll add that you perhaps shouldn’t worry about your kids ending up like your sourroundings because seminary surroundings (especially at St. Tikon’s with a monastery near-by) would be totally different. But then again, I’ve never been, so I don’t know.
My husband is wanting to do the St. Stephen’s program (distance learning through Antiochian Diocese to become a deacon.) Maybe that’s an option.
Anyway, you don’t need me to preach at you. Just to tell you I understand, and I pray.
I agree with 3DebD that praying the Jesus Prayer helps. I repeat this prayer anytime I’m anxious or when my mind goes into hyperactive state. May God help us all in our daily struggles.